Peace by Piece

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About a year ago, my sister sent the quote above to me on a refrigerator magnet.  I love it.  It helps me remember that a day that is perfect is not mine to have in this life.  It gives me that little nudge to recognize that every single day I’m given, it is up to me to find a way to “end on a win” by focusing on the blessings and celebrating even the little victories.  It helps me let go of the anxiety and the stress…the current of worry and fear that threatens to sweep my my legs out from underneath me.  Life isn’t meant to be struggled through.  It’s meant to be lived and lived well.  And in order to live well you must have peace.  And in order to have peace, you have to just be still and be calm.

From my early Sunday mornings spent being hushed in church to today…I have never been one to excel at being still or being calm.   I’ve always managed to stay on top of those things that really create stress and anxiety for me today. But today my mind is a scrolling slideshow of my fears and the things that keep me down.  I’m getting divorced (again).  I’m a single mom (again).  I’m broke (again).  I’m disabled due to craziness (only the disability part is a new thing…the crazy has been mine for decades).  I’ve lost my career and all of the years I spent earning my degrees in higher education (I was supposed to be Dr. Lynette by now).  I’ve been betrayed by someone I loved and trusted (again).  I’ve lost access to the children I loved as my own for two years (again).  And on top of it all, I’m getting older and it’s just a little harder to find the energy to keep fighting sometimes.

So my job these days is a full-time quest for peace.  I have to wake up and start the day by telling myself “no matter what happens, I want to live this day to its fullness and arrive at its end being the woman I want to be.”  I spend my time around others who accept me as I am and avoid those who would ask me to change. I pick up the pennies from the dirt pile and I thank God for every one of them.  I throw all of the hateful correspondence that the debt collectors are sending to me into a folder labeled “Bankruptcy.”  I tell the people in my life that I love them every chance that I get and I build my relationships on a foundation of respect, honesty and trust.  I live my life with integrity in who I am and who I want to be.  I accept others exactly as they are and I forgive them when they hurt me with their imperfections.  I make time to enjoy my favorite pastimes and I let my house get dusty while I read a good book without guilt.   I enjoy myself and I smile and I laugh…more in the past week than I have in years.  While some days are better than others, I’m going to sleep each night being grateful to be me and to have the life that has been given to me.

It is a blessing to live…and an honor to live well.

That Day Someday

blessings

 

I can’t believe it’s been three months.   Some of the days have passed in seconds and some of the seconds have passed in days…so it surprised me when I realized the date. I have scrapped like a badass in my fight to keep myself together through all of this…and sometimes it felt like the fight would never end.  I’ve prayed and I’ve written and I’ve reminded myself every single day that someday I’d understand and I’d be grateful. I’ve fought my demons and I’ve been knocked on my ass a few times and there were days I wasn’t sure I’d win. And when I didn’t think I could keep going, I would just think about that day…someday.

That day someday when I would wake up feeling hopeful and would get to actually enjoy life.  That day when I could move through my days without pain, betrayal, humiliation and loss clouding my mind and shading my broken heart.  That day when I could let go and truly accept my destiny and my own path with hope instead of fear.  That morning when I could say, and mean, “This is the day that God made for me and I am going to enjoy the hell out of it.”  That night when I could go to bed believing in my own little happy ending.  That day when I could honestly say “Wow….it really is better this way.”  That day when I laughed so hard I snorted…and didn’t cry once.  That day when I felt at home…and couldn’t taste the bitter pain of missing my other home and my family anymore.  That day I felt the peace of forgiveness…and could no longer feel the cruel blade of betrayal.  

That day when everything would be ok…someday.

Today my son and I woke up in our beautiful new home…an answered prayer. Today I talked to and exchanged messages with my mom, my sister, my son, and my daughter. Today I had a chance to hug a very dear friend who was also my first lover. Today my best friend came to my house and helped me make sugar cookie dough. Today I fed my family a good meal, my children are healthy, my home is clean and my pantry is full. Today, as the winter rain and the temperature fell outside, I was kept warm inside by snuggling with my pittie. Today I smiled, and I loved and I laughed. Today I prayed and believed that God was listening. Tonight I will fall asleep believing that life is good and I am blessed beyond measure.  Today I count my blessings and ignore my demons.

Today is that day…and today is beautiful.  Someday is here.