Floating in the Winds of Change

feather

At this point, I’ve decided that it would be best if I just stopped trying to find explanations for things that surprise me. In all seriousness…this is just one part of my OCD personality that I need to relinquish. Why? Because sometimes there just aren’t any explanations to be found or to be offered. Sometimes life just says “Here ya go!” and hands you a circumstance that blows your mind. I’ve finally figured out, after decades of trying to control, manipulate and fight my own reality, that the only way to get through life is to float through it. I’m pretty sure that’s the message the feather in Forrest Gump is supposed to send…that it doesn’t matter what you do, what you try to do or what you don’t do. Life is going to happen, with or without your permission, and the only way you can truly enjoy and flourish in this existence is to become that feather and float gracefully from one wind of change to another.

So, while I planed to be driving 600 miles west on the interstate today, instead I am sitting in a almost mediocre motel on the side of that same interstate. My little tiny motel fridge is stocked with yummy veggies and diet soda, everything I own that isn’t in storage 100 miles away is piled around me; “organized” in way that brings me that little feeling of peace that I need in order to not feel the world spiraling around me. My gray roots have a fresh covering of box color, the motel management is only mildly (passive aggressively…no towels for me today) irritated with me for my aggressive price negotiation tactics and my peace and happiness are finally on level with that which I feel when I’m relaxing in my Ozark Hilltop Peace Sanctuary. I miss my paint brushes and my hoot owls but a good pair of bluetooth headphones, a bomb-ass 70’s lite rock Spotify station and my old trusty laptop have provided a nice alternative. So here I am…out making my way in this angry stressed out world…floating like the finest of feathers in a small roadside motel room.

Yesterday I attended church with my Baby Girl in downtown KC and once again I was reminded that God is watching all of the time, knows every question in my heart and has a clear and perfect answer for me as long as I’m willing to focus my gaze on Him and listen. I walked into that service feeling lost, homeless and exceptionally out of place. It’s been nine months since I’ve spent any real time away from my Sanctuary and it’s been five years since I’ve felt homeless, so my I was truly feeling a deep and resounding sense of being place-lessness…of belonging nowhere in particular and yearning to be only one place specifically but knowing that place wasn’t available to me. I walked into the service a little late and worship had already started with a song that repeatedly said “don’t be afraid.” (Tears) And then the preacher started the sermon by saying “Today we’re going to talk about the crisis of ‘Place.'” (Tears) From his sermon, I was reminded that our world has become a complex geography of real places and virtual places; a confusing and disorienting matrix of out-of-placeness where it’s difficult to find solid ground upon to rest your soul. (Tears) Sometimes preachers bring up the bad news or questions and offer no solution…not in this case. It was very clear to my heart and soul yesterday that God was giving me an answer to my question “Where do I belong?” (Tears) So there I was crying in church taking my first flight on a Jesus feather.

I think I’m done asking questions now…at least the ones that require me to have regrets about yesterday or worries about tomorrow. It’s become abundantly clear to me that I’m not in control anyway so all the stress and anxiety I’ve felt over what’s already happened or what will happen has been a substantially poor use of the time I have been blessed to already have on this earth. I’m not going to let anything about this world get to me anymore…none of it. Financial security, the opinions of others, the chaos of humanity around me, insecurities and self-doubt and the overwhelming task of trying to overcome it all by figuring it all out…all of it. These are the things are just too heavy and I can’t hold onto them while I’m chilling on my sweet sweet feather of faith, love and happiness.

Life is meant to be enjoyed and lived to the fullest. Float on, my friends. Float on.

Alliteration, With a Constant of God

Alliteration…the rhythm of my life. A hard sound followed by the beginning of adjacent or closely connected words. That’s me. In a “nut shell”…for real. I have big “Booms!!”followed by a predicable sequence of My existence. Exhilerance. Euphoria. Fear. Shame. Heartache. Brokenness. Darkness. And the finally, when the darkness starts to close in, I find myself back where I need to be…a place where I can rest my soul and just be happy for a minute. So today I choose to stay here. In front of God and all that is good in this world. And I’m going to keep reading my books of faith. And I’m going to live my life according to what feels right inside of my soul; knowing that as long as I keep praying, the more I want to never stand on my own again. So I’m going focus on staying here. Praising my Creator as I live through this scary time in this breathtakingly scary world.

I have just started the book of Luke in the Christian Bible and my heart is touched. Truly. If you take a chance to read this book yourself, you’ll find there is a beautiful message within it. My soul is in the hands of my Beautiful Creator and I am sitting on my hilltop in the Missouri Ozarks. I am owned by God fully and I’m exploring his beautiful creation of Love, Joy, Peace, Forbearance. Kindness. Goodness. Faithfulness. Gentleness. and Self-Control. (Gallations 5:22-23).

It’s a happy time in my life. I’m at peace. I ghosted my life 9 months ago and climbed down the rabbit hole. But this time it wasn’t a scary place. It is a beautiful place blessed with only the best my life had to offer, beautiful neighbors who are such dear friends and a community setting that has felt comfortable to my soul. I bought a hilltop in the Ozarks and I retreated for some peace. By having this time to heal and feed on only what is good in life and trust in God in solitude, this rabbit hole has become a sweet sweet honey pot and I’m so blessed with the life that I have found at this very moment.. I love being here…I hate to leave here. I love the beauty in life when I’m here at my little retreat from our dark, angry stressed out world. It’s a little scary to leave so I’m going to do some praying this morning. But I cannot wait to come back and see my remodeled home. So exciting.

I have been outed on social media to my old hometown and it’s a little painful…because my disappearing act upset some very sweet people. I guess I just have to trust that anyone who truly knows me understands why I did what I had to do. Sometimes you just have to shut down and get yourself out of the darkness. I did what I needed to do to take care of myself. I cannot, and will not, offer apology for that. My past few blog posts remind me of how wonderful it has been to read the story of Jesus while sitting in the Ozarks mending my soul. I changed the voices in my head. I made them like me instead. (Pink) I am so grateful for this gift. But more about that later.

My soul was saved almost 8 years ago when I finally found God. My heart was redeemed 9 months ago when I went deep into seclusion and ate nothing but the most delicious of the fruits the world has to offer. I am a woman of God; feeding from the tree of life that provides all of the these things on my rocky hilltop has been like an exotic hillbilly peace retreat and I really, really hate to leave. But I’m leaving and while I renter the world that is out there, I will not take my eyes off Him and I will walk through my life trying not to become a misanthrope because of the fractured and fragile collective around me. I’m setting out on a journey to accept myself and find God “out there” away from the safety of my hilltop. But more about that later.

Having read the Christian Bible, I am totally on board with the message and example set by Christ in the new Testament and I am humbled by the Old Testament’s stories. Seriously….if you have read the Old Testament and haven’t felt a deep primordial need to sit in your yard wearing a sack cloth and throwing dirt on your head, you haven’t really paid attention. There are some very beautiful and profoundly moving stories in those Words. As a Creation, we’re getting it wrong and this Book provides a good example of getting it right, but I don’t like what being done in America right now with a “Christian?” leader. How can a savior so beautiful in his peace, love and humility be so utterly corrupted by religion, money and power? Why are Christians not only allowing it, but actively supporting the corruption? I find this be a very scary time in the world. The corporations are in control, Americans are slaves of the those own the most wealth and have the most green power. But more about that later.

Today I am moving out of my ‘Sanctuary and leaving the incubator of faith with a hope I’ll find a world that is safe and beautiful place to live…not a dull out zombie apocalypse of dishearted, disenchanted and anger fueled existences. I’m looking forward to couch surfing with my dearest of friends, house sitting in the beautiful Rocky Mountains, friend giggling and and nibbling hugging. I’m leaving my sanctuary but I’m leaving it feeling pretty well stocked up with all that is good in life. My paint brushes are in storage. I have only a few good books, my laptop and my Bible and I’m heading out for a journey. I have all kinds of plans and things I want to tell you about. But more that later.

God is good. Every Day. There really is a way to find peace, happiness and redemption. The gospels speak truth. Jesus was and is a badass. Life is meant to be enjoyed. Prayers are answered. Love can be trusted and doesn’t hurt. At any given moment, everything is exactly as it’s supposed to be. Grace is a precious gift to be received and given freely. But more about that later.