At this point, I’ve decided that it would be best if I just stopped trying to find explanations for things that surprise me. In all seriousness…this is just one part of my OCD personality that I need to relinquish. Why? Because sometimes there just aren’t any explanations to be found or to be offered. Sometimes life just says “Here ya go!” and hands you a circumstance that blows your mind. I’ve finally figured out, after decades of trying to control, manipulate and fight my own reality, that the only way to get through life is to float through it. I’m pretty sure that’s the message the feather in Forrest Gump is supposed to send…that it doesn’t matter what you do, what you try to do or what you don’t do. Life is going to happen, with or without your permission, and the only way you can truly enjoy and flourish in this existence is to become that feather and float gracefully from one wind of change to another.
So, while I planed to be driving 600 miles west on the interstate today, instead I am sitting in a almost mediocre motel on the side of that same interstate. My little tiny motel fridge is stocked with yummy veggies and diet soda, everything I own that isn’t in storage 100 miles away is piled around me; “organized” in way that brings me that little feeling of peace that I need in order to not feel the world spiraling around me. My gray roots have a fresh covering of box color, the motel management is only mildly (passive aggressively…no towels for me today) irritated with me for my aggressive price negotiation tactics and my peace and happiness are finally on level with that which I feel when I’m relaxing in my Ozark Hilltop Peace Sanctuary. I miss my paint brushes and my hoot owls but a good pair of bluetooth headphones, a bomb-ass 70’s lite rock Spotify station and my old trusty laptop have provided a nice alternative. So here I am…out making my way in this angry stressed out world…floating like the finest of feathers in a small roadside motel room.
Yesterday I attended church with my Baby Girl in downtown KC and once again I was reminded that God is watching all of the time, knows every question in my heart and has a clear and perfect answer for me as long as I’m willing to focus my gaze on Him and listen. I walked into that service feeling lost, homeless and exceptionally out of place. It’s been nine months since I’ve spent any real time away from my Sanctuary and it’s been five years since I’ve felt homeless, so my I was truly feeling a deep and resounding sense of being place-lessness…of belonging nowhere in particular and yearning to be only one place specifically but knowing that place wasn’t available to me. I walked into the service a little late and worship had already started with a song that repeatedly said “don’t be afraid.” (Tears) And then the preacher started the sermon by saying “Today we’re going to talk about the crisis of ‘Place.'” (Tears) From his sermon, I was reminded that our world has become a complex geography of real places and virtual places; a confusing and disorienting matrix of out-of-placeness where it’s difficult to find solid ground upon to rest your soul. (Tears) Sometimes preachers bring up the bad news or questions and offer no solution…not in this case. It was very clear to my heart and soul yesterday that God was giving me an answer to my question “Where do I belong?” (Tears) So there I was crying in church taking my first flight on a Jesus feather.
I think I’m done asking questions now…at least the ones that require me to have regrets about yesterday or worries about tomorrow. It’s become abundantly clear to me that I’m not in control anyway so all the stress and anxiety I’ve felt over what’s already happened or what will happen has been a substantially poor use of the time I have been blessed to already have on this earth. I’m not going to let anything about this world get to me anymore…none of it. Financial security, the opinions of others, the chaos of humanity around me, insecurities and self-doubt and the overwhelming task of trying to overcome it all by figuring it all out…all of it. These are the things are just too heavy and I can’t hold onto them while I’m chilling on my sweet sweet feather of faith, love and happiness.
Life is meant to be enjoyed and lived to the fullest. Float on, my friends. Float on.